Bittersweet

Sometimes the simplest of advice is all we need

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As usual my great niece Madison was the star

she looks innocent but she’s kicking the fish

Escape!

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I’ve definately been a grizzly as of late

What it could be versus what it will be. This post could be really cathartic for me or it might end up being a big jumbled mess depending on how honest I can force myself to be.

we all do it, we spout off little so called enlightened sayings without truely feeling or knowing what they mean. "walk in faith", "every action has a reaction", "give it over to the Lord", etc etc. There’s a lot of them but these 3 are biggies in my life. I say them a great deal to people when they are asking my advice or talking to me about some dark moment in their lives. I’ve realized lately that basically I’m full of shit.  It’s pretty easy to mouth off but in reality it’s hard as hell to live by your own advice.

I really had myself convinced that I had reached a point in my life where although flawed I was pretty much a decent person. I prided myself on the knowledge that I never intentionally do anything to hurt another person. I’m honest, forthright and fiercly loyal. But as I once read in a Stephen King novel, "pride is a woman’s sin", and this woman here needs to humble herself big time.

Recently my actions caused pain to someone else. If I had allowed myself to think about it I would have seen it coming but I don’t get to plead ignorance here. In my heart I knew what I was doing but I got around it by intentionally wholly disregarding this person. If I didn’t think about her then of course she didn’t exist. That’s charming isn’t it? Sad part is I would never have allowed anyone to do this me.

 Now the chickens have come home to roost and this may have cost me a friendship that meant the world to me and I have no one to blame but myself.

So what do you do next? Once you have identified the problem. You try to make ammends as best you kind and then you pray on it. Sounds easy enough except that I tried to pray on it without mentioning it. I didn’t want to own it so I tried skirting around it. I even got impatient with God when I realized it wasn’t working. You know my heart Lord, why do I have to give voice to it?

That was a hard night which left me bleeding and emotionally naked. I never knew this side of me and I wasn’t pleased to discover it. I knew now that I had done what I could do to fix it and now it was time to hand it over to God. I’m not a stupid person so I also know that his solution may not be what I want so I don’t see this going well either. It’s my natural need to continue to tinker even though I know that will only make it worse. "Woman thou art loosed" hardly it’s more like "woman thou needs to check yourself"

All joking aside I’m hard on myself.  Losing a friend and having to face God with myself is difficult enough but I know I can be forgiven. It’s a gift I often think I don’t deserve.

 What’s harder is what I do and will continue to do to myself over all of this. Forgiving myself is a toughy and I’ll carry this with me for a very long time.

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i’m having one of those days where I go from mood to mood

This idiot put me in a Bad Mood

This one put me in a Sad Mood

Just when I thought I was deep in despair a Good Mood happened.

Now for a giggle    Good for them!

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