Feeling Snarky

Is there possibly an uglier word than Theocracy? It ranks up there with sputum and carcass for conjuring up vile images. Yet that was our secret plan.

We Christians have been plotting since the days of our founding fathers to impose a Theocracy on this nation. I don’t know who leaked our plans before we had them ready but that person should be drawn and quartered for sure.

Now that you know the truth about our sinister plot you may have been wondering why we haven’t done it before now? I admit it does seem strange when you consider that in our past we had much larger numbers than we do today and could have over thrown our government at any time.

Well the truth is we’ve had some problems that we haven’t been able to work out in the past 200 odd years so that we are all on the same page.

If you think choosing a coffee at Starbucks is confusing you should have been at our last secret Theocracy Imposers meeting, where the different denominations outnumbered the flavors at Baskin Robbins. Just incase you weren’t aware all those different denominations have their own little rules and quirks about what is and what is not acceptable, and everyone wanted their rules to be imposed on the land. To say it got loud in there would be an understatement of massive proportions.

First item on the agenda was the “spirtual” dress code that we would impose on women throughout the country. We knew we were in trouble because immediately people began breaking into groups. We had the no trousers group arguing with the pro trousers group and they almost came to blows so we had to put that item on the backburner for the moment and move on. But true to form we were thrown back into a nasty fight again when the anti makeup people took issue with the pro makeup people’s declaration that Tammy Faye Baker would be their spokesperson. It looked like the anti makeup’s would win when they threw out the charge that Tammy Faye isn’t a real Christian *whispers (because she’s divorced) but it was quickly pointed out that in America the Theocracy all people are Christians whether they like it or not and that got a huge round of applause and simmered the flaming tempers of those involved.

After several hours of debate we still couldn’t come to a decision since all Christian women dress differently so we left the womens issue alone and just voted to ban men from wearing tshirts that say things like “Well diggers do it deeper” and “Cowboys ride you rough” but we didn’t ban the “Firefighters do it hotter” and “Cops do it with authority” shirts because since 9/11 we’ve all been feeling much warm and fuzzy patriotism towards our civic defenders. We voted that we’d revisit that issue once all non believers and terrorists have been smitted or smote. ( I’m uncertain of the proper terminology to use)

Now since the spirtual dress code issue took up a large chunk of our day we took a late lunch and promised to build on what we had accomplished when we came back by taking on the issue of baptism.

Call me naive but I thought there would only be two camps of thought on this issue, those who believe you must be baptized as an infant and those who believe you should wait until you are old enough to understand the implications of what you are promising to God. But much to my surprise we actually had groups that believed if you weren’t dunked in the river then it didn’t count and there were those who believed you could only use water imported from Israel. Needless to say this issue got out of control as well and many people complained of hurt feelings and fear of damnation if we didn’t follow their denominations particular view on the matter. In the end we could only agree that in our Theocracy all people must be baptized. Not because it would lead to salvation but instead because it would make us feel better and boost our morale if one of the most basic tenets of our faith was being strictly enforced.

It was getting late but we wanted to squeeze a few more items in if we could and so one of our Catholic brothers asked if we could discuss imposing confession on the country, which garnered an oh pluueeeze from Pat Robertson who is old and was getting cranky because he was sleepy. It was clear he intended to be a complete obstructionist so we moved on and called for the next item.

The small group of snake handlers that had been congregating quitely in the back of the room asked that we declare our new National Theocracy anthem be sung in tongues, this request drew protest from the Catholics who wanted it in Latin and from the Southern Baptists who believed whatever language it was done in it should have lots of feeling and involve much clapping, amens, hallelujahs, praise Jesus’s and of course a subpar pianist.

It was obvious that we wouldn’t reach agreement on this issue quickly so we decided to adjourn the meeting and make the National Theocracy Anthem the first item on the agenda at our next secret Theocracy Imposers meeting once a secret date was set.

Although it may not seem like it we were pleased with what we had accomplished. Although I have to admit we don’t have anything to compare it to as all past Theocracy Imposers meetings were so secret that no one took notes infact no one actually knows when the last one was held.

I really do believe that we need to keep records so that we know where we are at in the Theocracy movement and that is why I’m writing this. Also I don’t feel too bad about breaking the secrecy rules since its a well known fact that most if not all Red State Christians are basically ignorant and can’t read so they will never know what I’ve done, and all those who oppose a Theocracy already seem to know about our plans.

You’re probably wondering how we will deal with the more serious issues we have to make laws about so I’ll tell you what I know at this point.

Most imposed laws will be decided by all Christians and that’s as it should be after all Christian ethics require understanding and compassion, but the 3 big issues, abortion, gay marriage and the military will be the last 3 issues we tackle. We have told all our members that the very last issue we “discuss” will be the Military but although that’s not really a lie ( because it will be discussed) it’s not necessarily the truth either.

Actually the big issue of the Military is going to be the 3rd to last issue we cover because believe it or not we do have some anti military Christians. Oh I know they say they aren’t anti Military they just believe that our Military should only be used when the enemy is standing at our front door and only then if all other attempts to turn them away including feeding them our first born have failed. They believe that our Military should never leave our shores unless it’s to perform in a Military Band parade and even that is iffy because it may make us look aggressive.

So needless to say before we can clean our national house we will have to do some spring cleaning among the members of our faith. You shouldn’t look at it as a bad thing just view it as a detoxification period, purge the bad so the good can bloom.

After that we can settle the abortion and gay marriage issue without much opposition as by then we will be able to count on our military to back us up.

and then my friends it shall be T Day – that’s Theocracy Day for those who are destined to miss my point.

Oh I know you are thinking that when I say non believers I must mean Jews as well but if you were half as smart as you think you are and if you knew half as much as you believe you do about the plans of Christians then you would know that this isn’t a worry. It’s a well known fact although some seem to forget that true Christians understand and respect that the Jews are God’s chosen people. We don’t even get jealous because we know that to harm the Jews means that you will call God’s swift angry judgement down on you.

So in our American Theocracy Jews are upper class citizens guaranteed all rights except they are not allowed to hold office or mess in politics because that would just be confusing.

Besides once the American Theocracy is fine tuned and running smoothly we plan to spread our movement, first to our useless immediate neighbors and then on to Europe, through Asia and finally to the Middle East where we plan to give the entire region to the Jews including all the oil wells. The way we figure this should make up for the indignity of not being allowed in politics during the transition and it should more than amply cover compensation for the massive relocation program we have planned.

We don’t plan on venturing into Africa because after all no one cares about Africa just ask the Rwandians and the Darfur Sudanese and besides we don’t want to seem greedy. If the African Church can grow strong enough to Theocracize on it’s own of course we will welcome them with open arms. As you see Christians aren’t racist, sexist or classists we love everyone equally as long as they believe as we do or they are Jewish of course.

As our new Messiah/spirtual leader says “If you aren’t with us, you’re against us”

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That this post is meant as satire should not come as shock to anyone. Satire born out of frustration everytime I come across an article like this.

Hasn’t anyone ever told them that Christians have been voting since the dawn of our Country?

I’m a Christian and I vote, yes that makes me a threat.

15 Responses to Feeling Snarky

  1. RandyM says:

    Sherry – You forgot about that awful showdown between the anti/pro death penalty groups. The post was amusing, thanks.

  2. Miss O'Hara says:

    Oh, I like satire so much, and this is hilarious! Wonderful job!

  3. jeff says:

    I just KNEW this sort of thing went on. And at Starbucks! Doesn’t surprise me one bit that that O’Hara minx is in on it!

  4. Gordon says:

    Great post!

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  6. Eddie Dee says:

    Sherry, you’re incredible!

  7. Blandwagon says:

    You call yourself ‘Sherry’, one of the LIQUORS of the DEVIL, and yet you also call yourself a Christian? Why have you not changed your name to something holy like Mary or Rachel or Tammy Fae?

    Mark my words, you hussy, you’ll be first against the wall when the Theocracy comes!

  8. Keith says:

    I listened to one of the men behind this event this morning on the Laura Inaraham show.

    I also found out thisebening that we who believe in God are moral retards.

    Imagine that, a bunch or moral retards trying to setup a theocracy.
    That’s a project that is surely doomed.

  9. Sherry says:

    Heh Blandwagon it’s a good thing that I didn’t post my middle name.

  10. Kevin says:

    “Heh Blandwagon it’s a good thing that I didn’t post my middle name.”

    Maryjane?

  11. bob says:

    First off, Catholics don’t give a hoot about Latin; haven’t in 40 years. Some of us, though, would prefer Ukrainian. And you missed the fight between Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell over supporting Virginia Tech vs. William and Mary. It was a doozy!
    Seriously, you are now linked with a planned shoutout. Pay a visit and let me know what you think.

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    having beeen exposed to both of you. I am going back to the asylum to talk to Boston Blackie and Seargent Preston of the Yukon. They will know how to handle the both of
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  14. Excellent. The whole thing. :-)